Spider-Man Is A Foul Bachelor Frog

Everyone knows who Spider-Man is. Peter Parker, nerdy high school, later college, student that gets bitten by a radioactive spider and develops superpowers, after losing his uncle Ben he devotes his life to saving the day under the mask of Spider-Man (Well that’s a pretty vague description but I doubt I need to go any further)

Though some of you may not be familiar with the “Foul Bachelor Frog.” The Foul Bachelor Frog is advice animal meme that depicts the activities of lazy single men.

Recently I came to realise that realistically (Probably not the right word to use seeing how I’m talking about superheroes) no superhero would be able to hold a relationship and would remain a bachelor until hanging up their costume. I thought I’d write this up explaining why Peter Parker is a Foul Bachelor Frog, though I should stress this is relevant to a lot of superheroes. I have settled on Spider-Man as my main subject for this for many reasons, mostly because Peter Parker is our everyday working class guy.

At the end of the day I think it boils down to two things.

1: The Foul Frog

2: The Bachelor

The Foul Frog:

I think one of the foulest things would be how much of a mess his apartment would be. Stuff would be lying all over the place, with rubbish across the room and I don’t think it’s necessarily his fault. Spider-Man usually operates alone when protecting the city of New York and seeing how it’s a pretty big city with a lot of crimes being committed it doesn’t exactly leave much time for other tasks. I believe with the constant crime fighting the apartment’s primary use would be a place where he could simply collapse on a bed and sleep, the odds of him making it to the bed would be slim. Then there's the fact that he also works at a photographer, which itself can take up a lot of time.
All and all the amount of time he’d actually spend in his apartment would be so fine that cleaning the place wouldn’t benefit him and it would simply waste time.

Then there's his diet, something that wouldn't exactly be called 'healthy'. This, along with many of his messy traits, would be down to his lack of spare time. Cooking an actual meal would take far too long so the best solutions would be to either eat fast food or eat microwavable food that would take a minute to cook. Regardless of what he would eat, few or none of his dishes would get cleaned and would lie around is a messy kitchen, if they even made it that far.

Thirdly his personal hygiene would be a little below acceptable. It could boil down to clothes and the fact that he would most likely be wearing dirty clothes. Everyday Spider-Man would return home with a costume drench in sweat, considering he would be swinging around a city all day fighting super villains, dirt and possibly rubble, so daily washing of the costume would be required. Now personally I’m under the impression that Peter Parker only owns one washing machine. When washing his clothes he would be required to washing his costume separately to his other clothes as it would be rather annoying having all your clothes red and blue, so the costume would take priority when washing. So the costume washes and is left out to dry. He wakes up, presumably after oversleeping, and rushes to put on the now dry costume. Now he has the costume he required plain clothes to go on top and seeing how he hasn’t washed any he’ll grab the first clothes available. Now dressed, he gathers the rest of his things and leaves, forgetting to put his dry clothes into the washing machine. Hence he’d be wearing dirty clothes all the time.

The Bachelor:

Peter Parker, along with many other superheroes, would never be able to hold a stable relationship, though in saying that he did eventually get married. Now it’s fair to say Peter has certainly tried to have a relationship but there’s always been things in the way. Whether it is she turns out to be an alien, a S.H.I.E.L.D agent, another superhero, if the Green Goblin kills her or the relationship is wiped from existence in a deal by the devil, those little things that can spoil a relationship.

 

For Peter Parker, initially getting a girlfriend should be very difficult. Any time there’s danger he disappears. Once Spider-Man has saved the day and everyone is safe Peter reappears with a lame excuse. This makes him seem totally cowardly to any girl and that from a right off should stop him getting a girlfriend. There is also the fact he’s never really around so no one can really get to know him.

Then there’s the maintaining of a relationship. Peter gets a girlfriend and everything is great, for the first week. Despite having the responsibilities of being a good boyfriend, the great responsibilities of protecting a city tend to be more important. So peter misses lunch dates, dinner dates, meeting her parents, Valentines Day, their anniversary and that’s just a few of the occasions. His usual excuse is that his work needs him and this makes the girl think he cares more about his job than her, instant grounds for a break up. He could tell the girl the truth and reveal he is Spider-Man but this opens a full new line of problems. There’s the obvious fact this information could put her in danger, there’s also the fact that she may not be able to handle the idea that Peter might get killed everyday and leaves him. Also, when should he tell the girl? He could leave it a couple months. (unless she sees the costume whenever he’s getting into bed) if he leaves it too long she would have most likely left him by that point. He certainly can’t tell them straight away, he’s not Batman after all.

At the end of the day Peter Parker would (and possibly should) be subject to awkward sexual tension and one night stands, which he would probably leave before dawn, seeing how he needs to be out there fulfilling his moral obligation to watch over the people of New York.